My guiding star.
I'm Amanda/Brutus alias GrxssFucker and I'm from Mexico, I like many things but I'm not really passionate about anything, I'm an emo and also a gothic lolita, I'm a very socially inept person that has no friends and barely goes outside, I'm very bad at talking to people so I avoid it whenever I can. English is not my first language so I don't really know grammar. My fav artist rn is Lady Gaga, I really love her, my fav album rn is The Fame Monster. IDK HTML so the site's probably gonna look like poop for a while LOL.
Today I slep very awfully as usual, IDK why but it's been years since I've last had some proper sleep, I wanted to sleep more but I wanted to try to fix my computer, it had to get the hard drive replaced cause the old one was already on it's final moments but I didn't know so I didn't backup ANYTHING, the tech told me that they couldn't pass any files to the new one cause it takes really long for it to load (for context, it's a 1T drive and it was already half full with hundreds of incredibly heavy .wav files and gigant .csp canvases) so RN I'm trying to see if I can access it to retrieve some of the files, I really don't know if it'll work but I have hope and patience and IG that's all that matters, I'm still kinda sad but it was bound to happen eventually and it was gonna be straight up unsalvageable so I suppose this is the better outcome. (OMG WHILE I WAS WRITNG THE LAST PART THE HARD DRIVE FINALLY LOADED OMFGGGGGGG IT REALLY MADE MY DAY JIDJSIJFUIDHF). Recently, I've been thinking about some things from the past, but not from such a long time ago, more like 2020, when despite everything I was a little less lonely, and how a lot of what I am came from that time, mainly my internet presence, because before 2020 I was very scared to interact with people even on the internet, it would get so bad I'd have the worst anxiety attacks ever everytime I replied or posted smthng cause I would feel like I said smthng wrong and that people would hate me... But then a friend introduced me to the worst and best thing I ever liked: the DSMP. When I joined the fandom I had the courage to create (moreso rebrand) a twt account specifically for the fandom, it's when I started to finally have more online precense. Weeeell now that I think abt it I'm kinda lying because I *do* have very old public accounts still up but uuuh I'd rather not talk about them, they don't have anything bad in them but they're from a time where bad online things were happening w/ me, just take a wild guess and it will probably be right. But going back to 2020, it was the moment when I was having the most fun online and when I was the most active, a lot of people don't really wanna acknowledge that they were part of the DSMP fandom on it's peak because of the connotations drm has (when he just took credit for creating the server cause someone else is the one that puts their money to host it) but I personally still (critically) cherish those moments, mainly because of the fan content, it's insane how so many creative and epic things came from a block game where you die funny. I think I also remember those moments with joy because it was when I was more creatively active, IDK how I did it but I was finishing so many illustrations in mere WEEKS, now I've been on a three month artblock which I hate because I take animation classes and I haven't been able to illustrate without getting terribly frustrated to the point of crying, I wish I still had that creative rush I had back in the day. Anyways, enough rambling, I will go play games now. I hope that if you read all this you have a great day or night!!!!!!!
Today I woke up a little bit better, maybe because I woke up at like 2pm LMAO. Honestly I've been having weird dreams recently, no nightmares or anything of that sorts but just, random funny things like random Youtubers on Smash Bros Melee or me winning gacha pulls but like, while I'm in my hometown, and then I wake up and I'm incredibly disoriented thinking I'm all the way there and it actually takes me quite a while to reubicate myself back in reality and it makes me kinda sad TBH.
Anyways, tomorrow I'm going to like a dinner thing but it's sooooo far away and on top of that the public transport to go there is always incredibly bussy and it's pretty rare to get a seat so you either gotta wait until you're able to seat or take it but stand up until you arrive to wherever you need to go. I already have my coord ready and all and I've planned my makeup and I think I'll look pretty cool, honestly IDK what happened in my mind but I've been less scared of being myself recently, I used to be scared of being even slightly different from the crowd whenever I went outside, all I could think of was "damn these people are probably judging me rn", but recently I've been caring less of what people may think about me because now I think "people are incredibly bussy with their own shit to care about what a rando they passed by once looks like" and it has helped me a lot, I guess that's what happens when you start to grow up XD. Now everytime I see people saying like "I wish dressing alternative was normalized!" I try to tell them that genuinely no one really cares about what you're wearing, sure some people may be looking at you funny but that doesn't necessarily mean that they're judging you (and even if they were judging, who cares about what someone you've never even seen before thinks about how you look?) but it could also mean that they're curious about your look, specially if you live in a small city, it's normal that people get a little weirded out by something they've never been exposed to before, it's really just better to not think that everyone just dislikes you for no reason, IK that it's hard but honestly you'll be happier when you let you be yourself and when you let go of the "what if"s cause most of the time they're not the reality. Now, when people actually let their thoughts be known via words it's a little more difficult to ignore, and sometimes it could even be discouraging, IK how it could be, as a gothic lolita, whenever people ask me if I'm going to a costumes party or something along those lines, it sometimes feels like you're incredibly out of place and it can make me feel upset, but then I remind myself that people are not used to seeing people like me out there, and I just reply with smthng like "yeah", cause honestly it would be annoying for the person and for me if I just started to explain what gothic lolita is, we both have things to do and time's short, the key's just being nice about it TBH.
Well, well, well, that's all I have for today, I will go play games again (kinda funny I've just been doing the first part of the site's name, I haven't illustrated anything LMAO), if you read all this I hope you have a great day/night or whatever!! 