My guiding star.
I'm Amanda/Brutus alias GrxssFucker and I'm from Mexico, I like many things but I'm not really passionate about anything, I'm an emo and also a gothic lolita, I'm a very socially inept person that has no friends and barely goes outside, I'm very bad at talking to people so I avoid it whenever I can. English is not my first language so I don't really know grammar. My fav artist rn is Lady Gaga, I really love her, my fav album rn is The Fame Monster. IDK HTML so the site's probably gonna look like poop for a while LOL.
Today I slep very awfully as usual, IDK why but it's been years since I've last had some proper sleep, I wanted to sleep more but I wanted to try to fix my computer, it had to get the hard drive replaced cause the old one was already on it's final moments but I didn't know so I didn't backup ANYTHING, the tech told me that they couldn't pass any files to the new one cause it takes really long for it to load (for context, it's a 1T drive and it was already half full with hundreds of incredibly heavy .wav files and gigant .csp canvases) so RN I'm trying to see if I can access it to retrieve some of the files, I really don't know if it'll work but I have hope and patience and IG that's all that matters, I'm still kinda sad but it was bound to happen eventually and it was gonna be straight up unsalvageable so I suppose this is the better outcome. (OMG WHILE I WAS WRITNG THE LAST PART THE HARD DRIVE FINALLY LOADED OMFGGGGGGG IT REALLY MADE MY DAY JIDJSIJFUIDHF).
Recently, I've been thinking about some things from the past, but not from such a long time ago, more like 2020, when despite everything I was a little less lonely, and how a lot of what I am came from that time, mainly my internet presence, because before 2020 I was very scared to interact with people even on the internet, it would get so bad I'd have the worst anxiety attacks ever everytime I replied or posted smthng cause I would feel like I said smthng wrong and that people would hate me... But then a friend introduced me to the worst and best thing I ever liked: the DSMP.
When I joined the fandom I had the courage to create (moreso rebrand) a twt account specifically for the fandom, it's when I started to finally have more online precense.
Weeeell now that I think abt it I'm kinda lying because I *do* have very old public accounts still up but uuuh I'd rather not talk about them, they don't have anything bad in them but they're from a time where bad online things were happening w/ me, just take a wild guess and it will probably be right.
But going back to 2020, it was the moment when I was having the most fun online and when I was the most active, a lot of people don't really wanna acknowledge that they were part of the DSMP fandom on it's peak because of the connotations drm has (when he just took credit for creating the server cause someone else is the one that puts their money to host it) but I personally still (critically) cherish those moments, mainly because of the fan content, it's insane how so many creative and epic things came from a block game where you die funny. I think I also remember those moments with joy because it was when I was more creatively active, IDK how I did it but I was finishing so many illustrations in mere WEEKS, now I've been on a three month artblock which I hate because I take animation classes and I haven't been able to illustrate without getting terribly frustrated to the point of crying, I wish I still had that creative rush I had back in the day.
Anyways, enough rambling, I will go play games now. I hope that if you read all this you have a great day or night!!!!!!!
Today I woke up a little bit better, maybe because I woke up at like 2pm LMAO. Honestly I've been having weird dreams recently, no nightmares or anything of that sorts but just, random funny things like random Youtubers on Smash Bros Melee or me winning gacha pulls but like, while I'm in my hometown, and then I wake up and I'm incredibly disoriented thinking I'm all the way there and it actually takes me quite a while to reubicate myself back in reality and it makes me kinda sad TBH.
Anyways, tomorrow I'm going to like a dinner thing but it's sooooo far away and on top of that the public transport to go there is always incredibly bussy and it's pretty rare to get a seat so you either gotta wait until you're able to seat or take it but stand up until you arrive to wherever you need to go. I already have my coord ready and all and I've planned my makeup and I think I'll look pretty cool, honestly IDK what happened in my mind but I've been less scared of being myself recently, I used to be scared of being even slightly different from the crowd whenever I went outside, all I could think of was "damn these people are probably judging me rn", but recently I've been caring less of what people may think about me because now I think "people are incredibly bussy with their own shit to care about what a rando they passed by once looks like" and it has helped me a lot, I guess that's what happens when you start to grow up XD. Now everytime I see people saying like "I wish dressing alternative was normalized!" I try to tell them that genuinely no one really cares about what you're wearing, sure some people may be looking at you funny but that doesn't necessarily mean that they're judging you (and even if they were judging, who cares about what someone you've never even seen before thinks about how you look?) but it could also mean that they're curious about your look, specially if you live in a small city, it's normal that people get a little weirded out by something they've never been exposed to before, it's really just better to not think that everyone just dislikes you for no reason, IK that it's hard but honestly you'll be happier when you let you be yourself and when you let go of the "what if"s cause most of the time they're not the reality. Now, when people actually let their thoughts be known via words it's a little more difficult to ignore, and sometimes it could even be discouraging, IK how it could be, as a gothic lolita, whenever people ask me if I'm going to a costumes party or something along those lines, it sometimes feels like you're incredibly out of place and it can make me feel upset, but then I remind myself that people are not used to seeing people like me out there, and I just reply with smthng like "yeah", cause honestly it would be annoying for the person and for me if I just started to explain what gothic lolita is, we both have things to do and time's short, the key's just being nice about it TBH. Well, well, well, that's all I have for today, I will go play games again (kinda funny I've just been doing the first part of the site's name, I haven't illustrated anything LMAO), if you read all this I hope you have a great day/night or whatever!!
OMG today I woke up terribly horribly in pain because of yesterday, I was wearing relatively high heels for the event but I didn't take into account I was gonna have to RUUUN in those or else I would get crushed into a million pieces by a car, then I fucking bent my ankles once each, it wasn't that bad but it still was incredibly painful, it wasn't even worth it cause the event wasn't even fun at all, the only good thing was the food, but even then it was such small portions I was STARVING and on top of that I was getting bored and then I got sleepy, I almost fell asleep on the table, I couldn't really leave cause I was going with my mother and she had some things to do there too, then it started to get pretty late and we have to use public transport aand the distance we had to travel was pretty big so we finally left.
I was barely able to walk properly cause the pain from the shoes was a lot but also I have a sickness that IDK how to spell in english that makes the pain like 10x worse and the cold multiplies that pain by a lot, so I was suffering beyond belief, fortunately my mother is smarter than me and packed my Vans on a bag in case I was on the verge of passing out from the pain, I ended up looking less fashionable but at least I felt a little bit more comfortable. Still, I am in incredible ammounts of pain, I have to walk like a penguin cause I can't walk properly without wanting to die.
Well, not much I wanted to talk about, my brain is absolutely fried and I can't think of anything else to say LOL. Bye, bye!
Today I woke up very early because someone was supposed to pass by at that time and they didn't arrive, I was so mad cause I was still sleepy and I couldn't sleep again because every monday I have singing lessons and they're also kinda early but not really, but that also went super wrong cause the coach's car broke on the way here and I didn't see the messages until I was at the studio... Meanwhile I had walked so much I was numb and I actually felt like I was just gonna collapse, and I had to go all the way back and I could barely move my legs.... I was kinda crying too NGL.
Anyway, SMTHNG I've had on my mind recently is an OC that I left abandoned for a while until very recently, coinciding with my return to my DSMP roots because, well, that OC is a direct product of that era, I left it in the dust mainly because the only way I was developing the character was via Minecraft RP with a friend because tbh, I suck at expressing things with words, I've tried to write stories normally but I just can't follow through, I find it so boring, I prefer writing very short, basic stories, then building them up with improvised actions and start building scripts and fix things, probably not a very efficient way to tell stories but IDK how else to do it that doesn't work as a sleeping pill for me, but we ended up just doing our own thing after we started to dislike DSMP and with that I also left MCRP not only BC I didn't have any1 to RP with, but also because I started to find it cringe which now I see as fucking stupid but IG it was because I was trying to fit in after I left the DSMP community.
Still, this OC was kinda in the back of my mind itching to be back fully, and me being unapologetically cringe was kinda like the best opportunity to come back, and it did, cause now all I think of is this OC, how I could've developed it better and what I could've changed to be better, I've tried to revamp it but it just doesn't really hit the same, I don't feel the inspiration I felt back in the day, and I also don't have the people to develop it, cause back when I was creating it, my friend helped me by giving me ideas and advice on what to add to the character, and since we were building off of real time RP, we were taking notes from the chat logs to add to the characters we were making and playing and it was so much fun, I miss doing MCRP I cannot lie, it's kinda therapeutic in a sense (well for me at least), I've tried finding lore servers but most have like 10+ years worth of story and are whitelist only and I can't really be bothered to apply TBH, also I woulnd't find it fun since I have very specific ideas for my character that wouldn't really work with strangers cause they require patience with my communication cause I don't really know how to express myself, and specifically with this character some things may be taken personal and I don't really want to make people feel upset even if I didn't mean to.
That's all for today, I will leave this old character design reference of the character, despite having dedicated an entire entry to it, I haven't named it, well, it's name is Pandora, yes, like that Pandora, mainly because that was a chosen name I used back then, but also because of it's story, maybe I'll publish the original story document but with some tweaks that don't reference awful people that I don't like anymore, probably tomorrow, but again, all I'm putting here is the design, anyway, bye-bye!
Honestly RN I'm just here to drop OC lore cause yesterday I was left with a need to talk about it more, BTW happy Holidays to any1 that celebrates except if you throw fireworks, if you do I hope you have TERRIBLE Holidays and a BAD new year #sorrynotsorry.
Onto my character, I said yesterday I'd publicly show my old character story with some edits, but it turns out the account where I have the original document ran out of space and it won't let me edit the doc and I don't want ppl thinking I still support the bad people namedropped on the doc as inspiration, so I just copy-pasted the OG into a new doc and edited there, I still left all the grammatical errors and spelling and stuff cause TBH I think it kinda makes the whole thing better, well, here is the character Pandora document on all it's 2021 glory. First, why is there smthng called the CC? Well, it was because cum jokes=funny, the server(s) we played on were also called CSMP (Cum Survival Multiplayer), TBH I still laugh at cum jokes, my humour is so bad. Second, what is "the first server"?, well before *the* CSMP there were two other servers where we would just fuck around and do dumb things, TBH I don't remember when we said that the things we were doing in these servers would be canonical but, well, they became canon when we were writing our character docs, also, about the "family murder", it's Acre's backstory, it's also on a 1000000x better writen document my friend did but I don't wanna make it public out of respect cause IDK if he'd want the doc to be public to people nd stuff, but just know his character is so much better written on all aspects cause he actually writes stories and doesn't fuck around with writing, even with a universe so unserious as the cum world he managed to make a great story. TBH IDK how we made all this work properly, we had such different ways and writing skills and yet when we started to RP our ideas kinda just started to sync and things would just, work well, it's honestly kinda crazy.
NOW OFF TOPIC AND I WILL GO PLAY GAMES I hate that the bussines model Yamaha has been leading with VOCALOID, TBH V3 was the last version that it should've had, cause V4 is just that but with some tweaks and growl and I don't think that it would've been hard to add like two new things to the engine, and I hate that this model is probably spreading to synthv cause not too long ago Dreamtonics announced SV2 is on development and ISTG if they make people pay for the new editor I WILL cry and scream and throw up and shart... Anyway that's all I have on me RN bye.
Waaa life's been very boring tbh I haven't had inspiration to do anything meaningful, I finished a piece for a vid but I'm too lazy to actually make it a vid, and I catched a cold after years of not having one, the worst part is that I also got a throat infection, that doesn't surprice me tho cause ATP I've lost count of how many times I've had them, I hurt my throat a little and next day I'm shitting myself from the pain of the infection, it's so annoying. I've been also having terrible terrible thoughts again and I almost relapsed on doing SH but I'm trying to just not do that, it's so weird cause my life's never been bad and yet... Who cares TBH. Anyway, I uploaded on my YT but not a cover, rather some dumb stuff XD, they're not public because they're basically just shitpost but still go watch em.
The vids:
I didn't realize today was the 29th and OMFG I wish I knew because I needed time to prepare emotionally, today was the closing chapter if of a DSMP character that oh my did he mean so much to me, I can't believe I'm genuinely crying over Minecraft roleplay in the year 2024 almost 2025 but oh am I crying so, so hard rn, I haven't cried in months even in the bad ones and now I'm screaming crying throwing up, which is good TBH because I get all the nose shit from the cold I have out, but at what cost... I haven't felt this miserable in a while (mostly cause I've been feeling basically nothing XD) but at the same time I feel kinda relieved, like I just threw into the floor a big bag of rice that I've been carrying for years, IDK how to explain my emotions because I just CAN'T explain anything I feel but yeah I'm like very nostalgic RN more than ever.
Anyways..... I updated the site so stuff is more readable and doesn't just look like a block of text cause I finally figured out how to properly use paragraphs with HTML LMAO, I don't have much on me RN cause, again, I'm absolutely mentally shattered RN so bye LOL.
Well, it's 2025, I didn't update on newyear because 1- I forgot and 2- Nothing eventful happened to write, all I've been doing is making nightcores and playing videogames, but today I didn't do that so that's why I'm writing RN cause today was different, I went to the cinema to watch Nosferatu and I gotta say it's AWESOME! Watch it if you can because it's genuinely so cool, but I'm not here to talk about the movie in detail, I'm no movie expert, I'm here to talk about everything else cause it was not much but a lot of it was enough to piss me off big time, I had to wait for SO LONG for transport because there's no cinema in the dumbass town I live in so I always gotta take the bus there, after like an eternity one arrived so I jumped in but the AC was broken so there was just cold air I was fucking freezing, I wanted to jump TBH.
It was still very early for the movie so I just bought tickets and just wandered around like a dumbass till it hit the time for the thing, well I got some clothes for my emo wardrobe XD.
Well, the time came around so I walked to the cinema, I was kinda confused about which proyection room it was because I saw a child no older than 11 enter, but I looked at my ticket and, well, it was that one, it kinda pissed me off but I was like, whatever, but then as I entered, IG this little shit thought I was his dumb parents cause he jumped from behind the stairs to the chairs and scared the fuck out of me, can't lie I almost slapped him, but fortunately all I did was say terrible terrible curse words, which was nothing compared to what his parents were gonna make him watch, which makes me question, how was he allowed to enter? Did no one see him and think "yeah no this is wrong", like Nosferatu was not 100% graphic, but it still was very innapropriate for what is basically a baby, hell it's 15+ here in Mexico how did no one think twice about letting them in... And like worse, the dumbass father was laughing at almost every posession scene and someone was on their phone with notifs on, I was so pissed, honestly if you can't watch a movie without having to go on your phone just don't go to the fucking cinema, it ruins every1s experience and like, you're just wasting your time watching sumthing that you don't even care about...
Anyway, that's all I have to complain abt. Go listen to my new nightcore, it's a Lady Gaga song too but it has lyrics in the vid and I edited it on Windows Movie Maker, TBH I didn't remember it being so frustrating to use LMAO.
Well uuh I'm suddenly doing like, kinda very bad? IDK why I suddenly have urges to do terrible terrible things to myself but well it's happening, well who would've thought not talking to absolutely anyone else but my mother would yield bad results???
Honestly IDK what to do anymore, I didn't study high school when I should've nd now I have to do it but I'm falling so behind that I think I should just quit and try again, everytime I try to do anything I just stare at my screen not knowing what the fuck imma do next so I just close it and play games and think "I'll do it in a bit" but that "a bit" turns into a deadline and now I'm in a hurry to finish the work, but then I see that I can't finish it in time so I just give up completely, and again now I'm so behind I feel like it's all pointless, I've tried everything to focus on shit but nothing has ever worked, I just feel so miserable, IDK if I have some shit going on (or lack of going on) in my brain or if I'm just terminally lazy but I don't really have the money to find out which is it LMAO.
I've also been unable to illustrate anything, I either just stare at the blank canvas for like 10 minutes, or start doing smthng only to realize it looks like shit splattered across a screen so I just delete it all and close CSP, which is also bad because again, I'm taking an animation course and I just haven't done anything for 2-3 months and it's so upsetting, I genuinely DK what I should do, I feel so useless, I can't do jack shit and all I can vent to is this terribly organized site cause I was also planning on learning HTML to make this look better but I just, don't do it. Honestly I've given up the YT channel, I won't delete anything but I just, won't upload anything other than unlisted nightcore or some other dumb shit, I have tunned many projects but I just, fucking hate how they sound, how I mix them, it's never good so I just abandoned the idea of ever uploading vsynth things ever again.
IDK what to do, I feel like I'm at my breaking point once again, these thoughts never really go away, it doesn't matter what I'm doing, they're always at the back of my mind, even when I'm doing relatively fine I can't stop thinking abt just how useless I've always been, I can't stop recounting all my failures. I don't think I've ever really achieved smthng to be proud of, I've always been average to below average at things, I'm terribly clapped, I'm not actually skilled at anything, my only talent is being incredibly oblivious about shit, I have absolutely no friends both online nd IRL, I've always had dreams of doing big things but oh who would've thought to achieve those things you have to put effort on it, well, only if you're not filthy rich, cause when you have money things just kinda always works out, but I have 1 mexican peso to my name and no famous family members so all I wanna do is out of the picture.
Well that's all I can vent before I start saying increidibly concerning things, if you read all this, well, I'm sorry LOL.
Oh and there's this new EP I really enjoyed by Ethel Cain, it was my first listen to anything by her and it's honestly pretty good, if you like ambient/drone, then you'll like this project very much TBH.
